School.

THE FINAL LIST (in no particular order):

1. Arizona State University
2. Portland State University
3. University of Arizona
4. University of Nevada, Reno
5. University of Oregon
6. University of Oklahoma
7. University of San Francisco
8. University of the Pacific
9. University of Wisconsin, Madison
10. Washington State University

So there it is. I've finally picked schools I actually want to go to. I have something to focus my energy on and something to strive for. As soon as this list starts getting rearranged due to importance, cost, location and what have you, I'll post it up with the respective standings.
Here. We. Go.

Words to Live By

From Merriam-Webster.com

Main Entry: for·tes for·tu·na ju·vat

Pronunciation: \ˈfȯr-ˌtās-fȯr-ˌtü-nä-ˈyu̇-ˌwät\

Function: foreign term

Etymology: Latin

Fortune favors the brave

My new motto.

Butterfly Effect

I think I'm falling apart.

Not literally, thank God. But I feel....I feel like everything I know is being shaken loose. This is my fault, I know. I wanted this. I wanted change and difference and progress. And I'm not saying now I don't. But...I'm scared.

There. I said it. I'm scared. I'm scared that maybe the things that are going to change are so great in number I can't handle it all at once. I know that shaking things up was the right choice. I have no doubt about that. But by changing one little thing, everything changed.

The butterfly effect, so to speak,

One small, minute thing happened and suddenly there's a hurricaine on the other side of the world. Metaphorically, of course.

To be as young as I am and feel like I'm having some major life change is...daunting, to say the least.

Although. Yes, there is an "although," a "but," to this rather haphazard train of thought. I had lunch with an old friend yesterday. And things felt...better. "But he's from the past," you say. Ah yes, but the past could very well be the future for me. My life took a major detour three years ago, in terms of the natural progression of peers and friends. It felt like...coming home, almost. As amazing as my friends were the last three years, they were only friends because of circumstance, at least at first. They didn't choose me, nor I them.

But my "past" friends...they were of my choosing. I wanted them in my life. And lo and behold, I still do.

So maybe I'm not as lost as I thought. Or think. Maybe....I had to get a little lost to find my way. I had to wander off one path to find another.

Who knows? He was just one of many friends I lost. And yes, he welcomed me back with open arms, but who says everyone else will? They have changed, just as I have. But I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have changed in similar ways. Or in ways that....are corresponding. Parallel paths, so to speak. I feel like I was perpendicular to where I should've been for so long that parallel feels...right.

So thats whats up. Ramble on, yet again.

Peace.

Hey Life. It's me. Long time no talk.

I'm not sure about a lot of things. I'm not sure if I like trying to match up my socks. I'm don't know what my five-year plan is. I don't know if I'm ready to give up adolescence all the way like I thought I was. I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I could be in San Francisco. I could be in Santa Cruz. I could be in Oregon or Washington or I could still be sitting here in my parents house doing absolutely nothing.

I think the reason these things are weighing so heavily on me tonight has to do with my academic advisor meeting at 11 am tomorrow morning. Tomorrow I could very well decide my future. Or could be stupid and blow it off because I'm afraid.

Both of these things are distinct possibilities.

I know what I want to do. I want to decide what I'm doing. I want to be moving forward. I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life.

In the past few weeks I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that while I will gladly take risks with some things, others I like to plan out. I would jump out of a plane and love the adrenaline coursing through my veins. But at the same time, I'm afraid to take risks with other parts of me. My heart, for example. My future, for another.

I feel like life has just begun, while also feeling that I've wasted a lot of time in the past two years. I feel like sometimes I'm way ahead of the game, and that I've experienced a lot of things. And then others I feel like I'm still at the starting line while everyone I know is almost at the finish.

I guess at this point I'm just....waiting. Or I was. I was waiting for life to start. What I didn't realize is that life doesn't start on its own. You have to be the one to start it. Standing with your arms open saying "Hey life! I'm here. Lets do this," isn't the same as running up and tapping it on the shoulder and saying "what are you waiting for? Lets go!" and taking off running, knowing that once you start, it will follow.

I'm coming to see that I have to be the one to start running. Life will catch you up, because it's not in its nature to just sit there by itself, even if you are.

So here's to those of you who have already figured it out and are running full tilt down that path. I may have gotten a late start but rest assured I'm hot on your heels and you better pick up the pace before I leave you in the dust. I know that once I get going, I won't look back to see if its the right choice, instead trusting that whether or not its the "right" choice, its my choice and ultimately something good will come of it.

So that's where I am. It feels good to put it out there, and I feel a little more serene for having explained it, because I'm not sure if I could have said exactly how I felt before. Having to put it into words made me have to sift through everything and figure out how to say it.

Hey life. Its me. Lets do this.

Into I guess?

So I'm not at all sure what I'm going to do with this. Maybe reviews, maybe fics, maybe just original writing that needs to be seen and reviewed by peers. I'm not sure. If I figure it out, I will let you know.